Be careful what you wish for.

I've complained that men don't write enough, that they send these one-line or two-word emails, and how is that supposed to help me get to know them any better? I know they're just throwing out hooks to see if they get a bite before investing a lot of time, but still I find it frustrating.

But! Today I got quite the missive from a gent with the impressive username of warlordevet. War lord? My goodness, the vassals are trembling already. Here is what the war lord had to tell me:

chad is my name i am looking for a good woman i dont have time for the bs lies games or drama or a woman who talks to more than one man at a time cause i dont talk to more than one woman at a time because in the end when u have to pick some one gets hurt that is why i dont do it i am loving caring sensitive sincere passionate affectionate i dont cheat nor hit women so if your interested please get back with me

War lords are much too busy to use punctuation, you know. When they speak, there are no pauses, because pauses are for pussies.

And yet! he is a sensitive soul. He does not hit women (despite what you may have heard from that bitch who talked to some other man while talking to him). He has the artistic vision of e.e. cummings and eschews capital letters. I also suspect he copies and pastes this letter to anyone at all who interests him.

I think I'm too intimidated to respond to him. What if he finds out I'm on a dating site, receiving emails from many different men throughout the week? Oh, someone will get hurt, I fear.

Surprise! I'm a slack-jawed woodpecker.

It's been brought to my attention that I don't update this blog nearly enough. I'd like to remind y'all that we agreed to keep our expectations low from the get-go, but still. I do realize that I am slack.

One reason for such is that there appears to be a cyclical nature in the emails I get. They come in waves, really, and the tide went out for about a week. It seems to be rolling back in again, hard to say why, unless it's the moon or some astronomical shit like that. I promise to sift through this wreckage of emails for all the flotsam that could possibly amuse you, dear reader(s).

I have also been on two actual, real life dates now. I won't mock the men I meet in person, so that makes updating a little harder. The first guy, well, it was a non-starter, and we both new it. Had a nice dinner anyway, though. The second guy got started just fine. Question is whether we'll keep running at speed, or sputter like a used lawnmower in an overgrown ditch. (No, that's not a metaphor for my vagina. Gross.)

I've found that I do like planning dates, and I think I've done a bang-up job so far, at least at the venues and activities planned. I don't trust my gut yet on who is right for me and who isn't, so that's going to take some fine-tuning. I don't feel the least bit bad anymore for refusing to talk to most of the guys who've emailed me, so I think that's progress. Onward!

An Ode to Usernames

O Bmyho, Bmyho, wherefore art thou "Be My Ho"?
Deny thy fatherfigure and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I will no longer be a ladyluver.

Tis but thy name that is my enemy;--
Thou art thyself, though not a grrlcandylicker.
What's hrdforyou? It is nor hand nor foot
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a wakeyworm. O be some other name!

What's in a name? That which we call a bootyseeker
By any other name would smell as sweet.
So 11inches would, if he were not 11inches called,
Retain that dear measurement which he owes
Without that title. Bubbajoejr, doff thy name;
And for that name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.



with apologies to Shakespeare, of course

Logical? That's definitely not me.

I get a lot of one-line emails. Most of them say "Hey how are u today" or something like that. Innocuous, but empty of any real sentiment or information or, well, anything. I think the guys who send those just want to look like they're sending you an original message, without any of the actual work of writing one.

But every once in a while I get one that is ridiculous in a whole new way. Today from sbronches:

Liberal? Thats definitely not me, take a look at my profile.

Yes, I did say in my profile that I'm politically liberal. And not religious. I looked at his profile, which lists his relationship with "the Lord" as most important and goes on about how that's non-negotiable:

I need my match to be at least open to and interested in pursuing God and to want a relationship with Him first, that means regular church attendance eventually. This shows at least some commitment to learn about God and follow His principles..

Reading this, I agree that sbronches and I are not a good match. Therefore:

Dude, why are you emailing me? Do you think I'm going to change my mind about my political and religious feelings because I glanced at your profile? Do you just want to let me know you and I are not going to work out? Preemptively? Like, before I even knew you existed?

Thanks, buddy. Good thing you cut me off before I fell hard and fast for you.



UPDATE
I emailed sbronches to ask why he had sent me a message at all, when he didn't think we were well matched. He said it was because I had sent him a "flirt" first. In fact, I had not. I emailed the site admins to ask WTF? Haven't heard back yet.

Therefore:
Dude, sorry.

Stop yelling at me, Gramps.

IM LOOKING REAL LOVE SOMEONE TO GROW AS ONE TOGETHER.RONNIE

This guy is at least 10 years older than his posted age, if I'm to believe the photo. He has mean, cold eyes, and I don't like the look of him at all. Those are not the jowls of a 49 year old. (I won't post his photo, like I did for Charles Manson, because Gramps would actually be recognizable in his picture. I think Charlie is still safely anonymous.)

Also, as you may have noticed, that was the entirety of his email. Just that one shout into the void, a man on a lonely moutain top, screeching for something real.

If I'm a bird in this fracking beat-to-death metaphor, he's a billy goat. I don't think we're the right species for one another. Or even the right phylum? order? whatever.

Instant Gratification Guys

One of the themes I've noticed in my two whole weeks of online dating is that most of the guys who are emailing me don't have much patience. They've pressed the lever, and like mice in a maze, they expect the treat to fall down the chute. Like, now, woman. Hurry up with the treat. Here let me press the lever again. And again.

These guys, let's call them IGGies, want to know what I'm doing right now. And why I'm not doing it with them, right now. They want an immediate reply, and get angry when they don't receive it. (Especially if they can see you're "online," which the service I'm using allows.)

I met my first IGGy on Day One of my experiment. He was southtrace, and I was so new that I didn't recognize the two emails in quick succession as worthy of alarm. I thought it just meant he was really interested in me. How flattering. He loved my profile; he asked lots of questions; he wanted to know me. I emailed him a brief response that very night, though it was late and I was tired.

The next morning, I woke up to two new emails from him. Brief but pressing emails, "good morning, how are you?" and "what are your plans for today? maybe we can get some coffee..." I had plans for the day already; I thought I'd email him later, when I got a chance. When I returned to my computer in the afternoon, four more emails awaited. They went from courteous but urgent:

what are you up to?

to irritated and guilt-inducing:

I don't know why you are not communicating with me...

I felt like I had to respond NOW, but feeling that way made me dislike him instantly. Why did I have to manage him, like a project? I already have a job. So I tried to put him off, said I was "busy," but he seemed to not get the hint. I was, I admit, not direct enough. I felt guilty for indicating the slightest amount of interest. After the 10th email from him, I stopped responding at all.

By that time I had seen more than one IGGy. They're all over the place. mrpersunality, below, was one as well. He said "damn not even a thanks but no thanks" when I hadn't responded to his first two emails quickly enough (within the same day). Half a day does not seem that long to me, but for him, it was an eternity.

southtrace still emails me when he sees I'm online with quasi-stalkerish questions like "still awake?" and "finding anyone you like?" Considering that I've sent him a total of 3 emails to his dozen-or-so to me, I don't think he really expects me to say anything back. Pressing the lever with my name on it didn't yield consistent rewards for him. And I wasn't trying to mislead him, or waste his time, or anything. But he became invested very quickly, which is a huge red flag. We didn't even know each other yet.

What I learned from him was that a lot of these guys would prefer a quick no to a slow maybe, okay, yes.

I don't mean to sound pancreas, but I excrete a lot of bile.

Before we get too far along, I feel the need to send up a tribute to the man who made me say, "Damn, I need to write this shit down." This man, you may remember him, went by the rakish moniker mrpersunality. His first email said:

you seem like ur inteligent enough for extended conversation. what say you and i chat on yahoo sometime when ur not playing with your hair or staring at your butt in the mirror? LOL jk hopefully you heard more than bla bla blaa bla blaaa LOL

I checked his profile and read this sentence, soon to be embedded in my
psyche as a battle cry for That Guy:

i don't mean to sound vein but i feel i have alot of gifts

I have been regretting, since my reply to him, that I did not use the title of this post in my response. Either that, or "I don't mean to sound cilia, but I love a pun!" It has weighed upon my mind, this intriguing sentence and all its possible mutations.

Therefore I challenge you, readers, to complete this sentence:

I don't mean to sound _________ (a), but I _________ (b).

Where blank A is some part of the human body, and blank B is either a
plausible biological function, a pun, or a non-sequitur of your choice. Bonus points if you manage to convey false humility in the process. Bonus bonus points if you use a homonym for your blank A. Go!