Luckily, Andrea already took care of karma for me.

Elsewise, I know karma would be on my ass for making fun of a man for whom English is clearly not his first language.

He starts out all Joey Tribbiani:

good morning how u doing.

Imagine that with a raised eyebrow and a smile. It's almost cute. But he goes on:

this is harry looking ur book i reed and i like it mak me thing about u and then i am droping u line .

Wait, what?

im single man work for hotel managment 130 room hotel its fun and crazy some time.

It is crazy some time, harry. I feel ya. Good to know how many rooms are available for us to use, should our amorous adventures take us there.

i dont have gril friend and any woman for date .

I am shocked, harry, just shocked that you don't have a gril friend. I like charcoal myself. Are you a gas man? Also good to know you'll take any woman. Any woman at all.

looking for some one for cudling and holding hand and talking whit some one and go out with her dinner.

I don't know how to cudle, but maybe you can teach me? After you take out my dinner, of course. What happens if my dinner is already take-out? Does that cause, like, a rift in the space-time-meal-order continuum?

Do you know, harry? Do you?

Text message spelling in an email box.

Okay, this happens a lot, and I am not sure how to feel about it. That is, I know how I do feel about it, but not how I should. I loathe it.

I see that u r 1 fine woman

I should be happy, right? He's paying me a compliment. But when I see the first u standing in for "you," I feel like I got Lucky Charms when I ordered hot oatmeal. Sure it's all cereal, but you can't just substitute one for the other.

As he continues to spell out his query in Alphabits, my potential love sours like milk too long in the fridge door:

an u tell it like u see it an I would like to chat with u an become friends on here an see what might happen cause im not in to that bar life eather. if u would like here is me email an my IM is there to ts**66@yahoo I hope to hear from u soon

In his profile, he describes himself as a "plain ole countre boy" who enjoys "carpentery" and graduated high school. That's about all it says. These sparse profiles with no photos? Cold cereal, seriously. I know that if the best photo you have makes you look like Charlie Manson, then you should leave off the image. But don't you have any friends? with cameras? Dude. Soggy.

Charles Manson emailed me.

I prefer the random method of serial killer victim acquisition, so I can't say this approach is going to work. No charismatic cult leaders for me, thank you!

Mating Calls

I guess this is the story of my nesting impulse and how it's affecting my life. It's not that I'm dying to lay eggs or anything. I just needed to hear some mating calls, okay? I'm sometimes a lonely bird. So here's the profile I placed on an online dating site:

wrenabird

About me

What kind of bird am I? Well, I'm a small but plump brown-headed bird, native to the Southeast. Dark eyebrow, short beak. Just a domestic wren, really.

I'm a technical writer, actually, and that makes this whole thing rather hard. Who am I? I'm creative, but I work with scientists. I'm hardworking; in fact, I have two jobs. I also have a house, a dog, a cat, and a bunny.

What I don't have is a boyfriend, or a husband, or a cuddlebunny, or whatever term of affection you prefer. Which is, I guess, why I'm here. You could call me laid back, or introverted, or quiet. I like to stay in, and throw the ball for my dog, and have a beer. I am funny, but only after I warm up to you.

I like guys who are witty, smart, and good at what they do. I fall fast for a good voice and a generous vocabulary. I find an almost-bald head kinda sexy, to be honest.

I am achingly liberal, open to any religious experience that is not out of a textbook, and don't care what kind of car you drive.

Dude. Tweeeeet.

This blog is to chronicle the various misadventures of my online love life. I figured the world was clamoring for it. I define "world" very narrowly here--it consists of this pecan tree I'm sitting on.

Welcome!